I looked for him all over her photos, frantically, to prove that part of my life wasn't gone yet. I knew it was, those smiling faces had vanished from that school, friendships were broken and as for me, well, I can't say I was really a part of all those frivolous parties with the lousy make-up, or the larger-than-life issues. It was just as if he had been swallowed with the rest of the people I knew from those photos but he wasn't even there, not a scrap of him I could chew on, not him, nor anything that could tell me he was still alive. What did I want to see him for?  I dreamed often about running into him someday, and even if I didn't miss him, or could actually remember what he looked, smelled, felt or sounded like, every time, after I had a fight, those blurry memories transported me into a better place, a happier time, something I longed for. I wanted something I lost; me. Then it hit me, I was looking for myself in those photos of young, smiling, wealthy people. I was looking for myself in his words, the faint memory of the tone of his voice. It was an adiction, searching for an exit, always wanting things I didn't have anymore, waiting for the green light to run as fast as I could, away from wherever I was standing. It hppened to me when I was there, back then, it happens to me as we speak, it hurts. The damage to other people, it hurts me, because really, I didn't mean it, I never have. Maybe if I run fast enough the guilt wont catch up. Then maybe I can be happy. I feel lost. I feel stupid, looking for him, looking for what was left of me.

I am here, now I am somewhere else, far from that amusing past, he is someone else, who I am now with is someone else, something entirely different. I'm in love, or am I not? isn't this something you do out of love? I have a pretty place, someone who will sleep by my side every night, a pet... why do I feel as if someone tore the chunk of earth I live in, and misplaced it? Why do I feel so disconnected from everything? It's like shouting underwater looking at these pictures. I can almost smell the wind, it's just as if I could touch them... they can't hear me from where I sit. He can't either, he is just one step away from me, watching TV and he can't hear me either. I'm on my own. I'm lost. What is it that keeps me here, waiting? I feel I've been waiting for something all my life. If I want to go serch for it, I usually don't know where to go. As if buildings, houses, places where real people are have been shut for me. It's like playing Silent Hill 4, except there is no hole on this bathroom. I wish there was. Everyone looks so happy... and far away... 

 

So maybe I should get up and leave, or just find something that may get me by... I dont know. I still dont know... I never fucking know!!